Funny sarcastic grandma

  A lady bought a new Lexus cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back complaining that the radio wasn’t working. “Madam”, said the sales manege, “the audio system in this car is completely automated. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you will hear exactly that!” She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson”. The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of “On the road again”. The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her.

    An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of. The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

  A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. “Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??” “But the guy was drunk.” says the husba...

    A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.” “That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.” “Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted. “Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.” After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

  A man enters the emergency room with two black eyes, multiple lacerations, and a seven iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor pulls him into one of the examining rooms and says, “What the hell happened to you, my friend?” “Well, doc,” the man replies, “It’s like this. My wife and I were out on the golf course off the eighth tee when we both wind up slicing into a cow pasture next to the course. So we both head into the pasture to see if we can find our balls. Now, doc, when we play, I usually play a white ball, and my wife plays an orange one.” “So what happened in the cow pasture?” the doctor asks. “Okay, so we’re hunting around for a few minutes, and neither one of us is having any luck. Then I notice this cow walking kind of funny and flicking her tail. So I go up, lift the cow’s tail, and there’s an orange ball lodged right in the cow’s rectum!

  A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl… After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. “It’s simple” billionaire boasts… “I faked my age” “Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?” A friend asks.

  A very elderly couple is celebrating their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary. The man says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you,"... "It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest." "Now, I want to assure you that these seventy-five years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away." "But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, and then confesses. “Yes, he did.” The old man is ...

  After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.   “Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”   “Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”   “It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “Our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”   “Well,” said the doctor, “Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”   The man seemed a bit ashamed.  “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”   “Well, there you have it!” The doctor said confidently,…   … “It’s rust.”

  Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member... The Sailor was just settling in when he noticed that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all women... So the sailor went to the captain and asked him, "Captain, there are no women aboard, and i am a man who needs lots of women, how do solve this problem"...? The captain says, "There are other men aboard and they have the same concerns as you, lad. I too find it hard to be away from me wife. There hasn't been a women aboard in years, but we have found a solution to this problem. Follow me"... So the sailor follows the captain to the hold, and the captain leads the sailor to an inconspicuous barrel with a hole thats just the right size and just about the right hight. The captain says ...

  They thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues:

  A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother ... 

  A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?!" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15?!" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15." "Oh my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out ... 

  Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts “Paddy you’re mad, go home”. So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

  A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: “I’m sorry, but we can’t sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat.” So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn’t buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food… One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said: “No, you might have a snake in there.” The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. 

  A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-a*s grill for one little weenie?”

  decides   not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’ ‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’

  One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said...

  A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway? So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.” Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up ...

  Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets. In her stomach the babies were talking to each other. The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”. The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”.

  A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?” “Ten,” she replied. “What are their names?” he asked. “LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered. “They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?” “Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.” “And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?” “I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.