Funny sarcastic grandma

  A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'  'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!' 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'  So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curi...

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?  We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”   “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”   “OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”   “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”   A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.  So he follows them.   The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers....

  AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD   MULE  TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE ...

  A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!” The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!” He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!” The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.”

  The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him: “What’s your name?” “John.” The new bloke replied. The Forman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that. Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”

  A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain. He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side. Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired. He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it. Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says, “STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”