Funny sarcastic grandma

  Could you please help me?  I’m sure God will understand…” So the priest gets up, gets a blanket and gives it to her and lies down again on the floor. By now the nun is mad enough that she throws caution to the wind.  She sits up in bed and puts on a seductive pose, before saying: “Father! It’s still cold, and no amount of blankets will help!  Just for tonight, why don’t you treat me as if I were your wife?  I’m sure God will understand…” The priest slowly sits up from where he lies, breathing deeply as he considers this heavy decision. “Treat you like a husband would his wife, you say?” The nun slowly nods and winks. Then he makes up his mind and says: “ALRIGHT! GO AND GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!  I’M GOING TO SLEEP!”

  So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. “Is that better Sister?” he asks. “Oh yes Father, that’s much better,” she says. So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, “Father, Father I’m just so cold!” The priest thinks long about this and finally says, “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can’t help but admit to herself she’s been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, “OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married.” So the Father replies, “Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!” and rolls over to fall asleep.

  “For the sake of decency, here’s £20. Go and  buy yourself some underwear.” Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her  ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to  show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no  undies. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford  any on the money you give me.” He reaches  into his pocket and says, “For the sake of  decency, here’s £10. Go and buy yourself  some... 

  A woman was sitting in her front garden, enjoying the sun and reading a book, when she was startled by a car that crashed through her hedge and came to rest right in front of her. I mean a car crash that happened right in front of her, no wonder she was startled.   She got up from her chair and helped the elderly driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. She asked the elderly driver, “That was a shocking car crash, are you ok? It’s quite remarkable that you are still driving at your age”. “Yes”, the elderly woman replied.

  A married couple is cruising down the highway at 60 mph. The wife is driving. Her husband looks at her and says, "the marriage has been going for thirty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, just keeps looking at the road, but slowly raises her speed to 65 mph. "I don't want you to stop me," The husband explains,  "because I've had an affair with your best friend,  and she is way better in bed than you!" Keeping calm, the wife grips the steering wheel more tightly as she slowly increases the speed to 75.  He pushes his luck. "I wanna have the house!" he shouts... Up to 80.  "And the car, too!" he adds.

  A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!   Passenger: "Who?"   Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."   Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."   Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."   Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."   Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer...