Funny sarcastic grandma

  Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune.  Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.” Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...." "The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?" "Because this is a Dry-...

  My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who did a great job at serving everyone drinks and food. He ensured everyone was having an enjoyable flight, and I saw no complaints. As the plane prepared to descend, he walked down the aisle and relayed directions from the captain of the plane. “Captain Harry has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.” On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed Arabic woman who had not followed directions. Her tray was completely down. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.” She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I...

  A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde.  The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.  The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch. ” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered,  “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!” ...

  APARTMENT for RENT... So a businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his Secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment .. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place, I was under the Impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the n...

  A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or p...

  A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, “OK old timer, time for you to retire.”   The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?” The young rooster says, “Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over..” The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.” The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.” The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwh...